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Posts Tagged ‘Superman’

Readers, we’re about to get pretty personal here. No, I am not going to disclose that I have a sweating problem and have to use clinical strength deodorant. (Because that went away.) This is way cooler than excess armpit sweat. I am about to divulge ONE of my superpowers. Am I a superhero you are wondering? No. Being a superhero requires heroic traits in addition to superpowers. Nor am I a supervillain (due to lack of villainous traits). But I can laugh like one — Muahahahaaaahhhhhh!

Running to or from trouble? (Probably from)

My superpower is this: very keen hearing. YES, THAT IS MY SUPERPOWER!! A superhero would recklessly call it “sonic hearing” to make it sound cooler. However, I’m not reckless, so let’s call it what it is — very keen hearing. Full disclosure, my ears are not so amazing that I can hear someone say “Help me, Superman!” halfway around the world (or about 11,774,558 smoots along the equator). But that doesn’t matter because I wouldn’t help anyway. I can’t fly; have little to no upper body strength; am lacking X-Ray vision and laser eyes skills; and my name is not Superman.

So, if I am neither heroic nor villainous, what do I do with my super skill? Three things:

(1) Eavesdrop. It was great when I was a teenager and in trouble for some under-developed-frontal-lobe issue, like forgetting to bring a textbook home from school. I could hear my parents discussing from all the way upstairs and down the hall, despite their hushed voices. Sometimes I could not resist weighing in and I would holler from my room, “It was my History book, not Chemistry!” That is how my parents first caught on that I had very keen hearing. I know firsthand how it feels to have one’s superpower revealed. They called me HawkEars. 

(2) Lose sleep. My neighbor’s alarm has gone off at 5:01 AM for three nights/mornings in a row now. It is so loud that it sounds like the alarm clock is in MY room. By the way, neighbor hasn’t been home for a few days and the alarm clock doesn’t give up easily. At 5:16 AM it switches from air-raid siren to some sort of mixed-bag radio station (Katy Perry, U2, John Mayer, I SHOULD BE SLEEPING!!). At 7:01AM the noise stops. It can sense my rage. This is how supervillains get their start… P.S. Patrick can’t hear the alarm or music AT ALL! Cue more rage… My supervillain name will be Killer Cochlea!

(3) Get startled…a lot! A beetle walking on a dry fall leaf sounds like the weighty crunch of a bear as it lumbers toward me on my walk. A chipmunk peeking up through the drainpipe sounds like a Centaur galloping through our garden wall. Sometimes I hear an insect walking on our hardwood floor before I see it… then I shriek and Patrick “deals with the problem.” He is the true hero of this story. HeMan Bug-Killer to the rescue!

Are there others with superpowers out there?

Weighty thought expressed mathematically: Superpowers – Superhero or Supervillain Status = Mutant

…any other mutants out there?

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It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Lulu in a tissue paper cape!

In an effort to stay on the we-want-a-baby track, I am ignoring the slightly horrific underbelly truths of pregnancy. (Side note: Is the “miracle of birth” that something so beautiful emerges from these horrors?) Instead, I am focusing on inane baby stories, of which, luckily for you the reader and me the blogger, there are plenty.

A bit of a kerfuffle surrounds New Zealand in the inane baby news world. And, let’s be honest, it takes quite a bit of fuss to get New Zealand in the news at all on this side of the Pacific pond! It appears, if we are to believe Canadian internet news, that the powers that be southeast of the Down Under are just saying no to idiotic baby names—my words, their thoughts.

In fact, 102 “creative” names have already been banned. My favorites on the “not in this country” list include: Lucifer (Lulu for short?), General, 4Real (but Superman is OK), Adolf Hitler, and Mr.

New Zealand has not been always been intolerant of the wishes of idiotic, I mean creative, parents in the past. Some of the winning New Zealand baby names that did make it onto the birth certificate are: Benson and Hedges for twin boys (Who, if they live up to their names, will grace the world with second-hand smoke. How cute!); Violence; and Number 16 Bus Shelter (I’m guessing that is where they did the deed). Stay classy, New Zealand!

Speaking of class, New Zealand has also banned names that could be confused with titles, so no more: Queen, King, Duke, Baron, Bishop, or Knight to name a few. I imagine New Zealand wants to avoid a situation like this…

A loving father holds his baby girl in a coffee shop. He waits in line to order a decaf venti mocha latte for his balding milk machine, I mean, wife. A woman approaches the coffee queue and coos, “Oh what an adorable baby! What is her name?” Lovingly, the father responds, “This little precious is Queen.” The woman blushes, stutters, and manages to say, “Excuse me, sir, and your majesty. I apologize! I just didn’t know,” as she curtseys and knocks over a coffee that a work-from-coffee-shop type has just ordered.

This easily avoided tragedy could still happen here in the States! I, for one, will be taking my work to coffee shops in New Zealand from now on.

So what is your take? Should some baby names be banned here in the States? Have any of you heard some funny, awful, or shocking names? Should we send celebrities to New Zealand when they are expecting?

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