Posts Tagged ‘No Shave November’

It seems my dear husband has managed to write a final No Shave November post sans beard pic! Nice try, darling. But you ticked a few people off today. If you won’t post pics then I will.

(Aside to Patrick: Contrary to wife’s actions, husband is not permitted to post pictures of wife without her knowledge. Especially if wife starts growing a beard. This is another one of those one-sided deals. Sorry! Love you tons!)

So, people, do you want to see THE BEARD? Do you want to see the MAGNIFICENT, EXTRAORDINARY, ONE-OF-A-KIND beard?

People have stopped us in the streets to say, “Hey man, that’s more than a few hairs you’ve got growing there!” Birds have swooped down into Patrick’s face, mistaking his voluminous chin hair for their nests. If I made a brochure and put it in a hotel lobby, people would come to see the spectacular sight that is Patrick’s beard!

Here it is! After a month of growth and meticulous grooming:

Why the frown Charlie Brown?

Yup. Looks like a normal beard with some wild tufts of white on the chin. And the frown is dentist-related, not an I-can’t-grow-a-beard lament.


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I know what you’re thinking: Okay, it’s been over a month since Patrick started his No-Shave-November pact with Gilly. I wonder how magnificent Patrick’s beard is by now.

You probably think I look something like this by now.

But here’s the shameful truth, as much as it pains me to admit it: I can’t grow a full beard. Oh sure, the ‘stache grows in, full and ginger. If I wanted to rock the ’70s porn star look, I’d have no trouble at all. But the full beard? Well, just call me Patches O’Hoolihan.

In my dreams, I’m able to sport the mighty Kiesel…

…or through time and perseverance, outlast my stubborn follicles until I surpass the Granddaddy Gibbons.

But alas, I’m unable to luxuriate in the full face carpet. I’ll never be able to participate in the World Beard and Mustache Championship. I’ll never be able to be a Macy’s store Santa without artificial enhancements.

This is my reality, and perhaps one day, I will accept my beard for what it is. But for now, I’ll have to bear the burden of my lack-o-Galifianakis.

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Whew. It’s been a busy month. It’s been especially busy on my beard. Growing that thing sure has aged me…

This beard now comes with its own zip code. And animal sanctuary.

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When I was a young boy, I always dreamed of being a Viking. I preferred Thor and Norse mythology, with its tough no-nonsense gods, to the namby-pamby gods of Rome and Greece.

Self-portrait, Age 4

When I grew older, I became an avid reader of the Conan series by Robert E. Howard. Conan was a tough, no-nonsense barbarian who embodied that Viking spirit. Just like me.

Even today, when I play video games, I create characters that embody the rugged-man-of-action-and-fewer-words ethos.

It's almost as if I'm looking into a mirror...

So, I’m proud to say, now that I’m a little over two weeks into my No Shave November pact with Gilly, that at last I have achieved my lifelong desire:

We call this look “The Viking.”

Stay tuned for next week’s update.

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I’m now 11 days into “No Shave November” and I know what you’re thinking. Um, Patrick, isn’t today November 14th? Shouldn’t this be your “week 2” update? Don’t worry – I still remember how to count past 10. But I started 3 days late, and I just posted my “official announcement” here on Thursday. So, even though we’re nearly at the halfway point through November, a “week 1” update will have to suffice.

Now, without further ado, it’s time to bring you my first official status update:

We call this look “The Merchant Marine.” Yeah, hardcore.

Stay tuned for next week’s update.

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In solidarity with Gilly, who is participating in NaNoWriMo (also known as National Novel Writing Month, which is also, also known as National Throw Your Laptops Out the Window Month), I’ve decided to undertake a challenge of my own: No Shave November.

Throughout the month of November, while Gilly writes approximately 2000 words per day, I plan to grow approximately 2000 hair follicles per day. She will use the blank canvas of her imagination. I will use my face. (You tell me who got the short end of the stick.)

I know what you’re thinking. Patrick, that’s crazy talk. Your face can’t support that kind of constant facial growth. You’ll quit, or you’ll go crazy trying. But Gilly and I made a pact, and I’m sticking to it.*

Last shaved his face four score and seven years ago...

There are some perks to this crazy pact. It’s nearly winter, and my facial hair will help keep my face warm. I’ll be able to savor one of our delicious apple pies long after it’s been eaten. And it’s downright patriotic. After all, America has a long and proud tradition of facial hair — from handlebar mustaches to Elvis sideburns, from the classic goatee to the modern “son,  you’ve got something under your lip…”And how can I let America down in this, its hour of need? I can’t.

So what are my hopes and dreams for No Shave November?

1- I hope that by day 10 I will NOT feel as if fire ants are crawling across my face, and consequently attempt to scratch my face off.

2- I hope that by day 20 I will NOT be mistaken for a Civil War reenactor.

3- I hope that by day 30 I will NOT wake up to find possums nesting in my beard.

4- I hope that by Christmas, I WILL have the full Santa.

*Technically, I haven’t stuck to it. For work-related reasons, No Shave November began on November 3rd.

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