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Posts Tagged ‘lessons’

Now that the holidays have come to an end, and we’ve all settled into another New Year, I would like to share some lessons I’ve learned from the holidays. Remember these words of wisdom next year (if there is one), and you’ll be sure to thank me later:

Do get a real Christmas tree, needles be damned.
Don’t
forget to measure the height of your living room.

Do fill your spouse’s Christmas stocking.
Don’t fill it with so much chocolate you both gain ten pounds just from looking at it.

If you are going to have a don't-dress-the-dog rule, what do you think we're going to do when you leave the room?

Do dress the in-laws’ dog in a warm knit hat, silly antlers, or other festive attire.
Don’t tell your in-laws that you’ve done this.

Do enjoy a glass of wine.
Don’t lose track of the number of times your spouse says, “Go ahead, have another.”

Do enjoy a relaxing afternoon playing Skyrim.
Don’t tell your spouse you want to name your future child Dovahkiin.

Do order takeout for your New Year’s Eve meal.
Don’t be surprised when it takes an hour and a half to arrive.

Do enjoy a rockin’ New Year’s Eve.
Don’t watch a Rockin’ New Year’s Eve (unless you are a teenage girl).

Do text your teenage nephew to wish him a Happy New Year.
Don’t be surprised when he replies, “Who is this?”

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Christmas is a time for lessons. The Gift of the Magi is a tale that taught me a few things: (1) This is not a tale for kids. It is depressing. (2) Couples should plan for big purchases and not wait until the last minute. Because here’s what: You sold your prized possession because you didn’t plan ahead for the cost of Christmas and now you are broke and stuck with a useless gift. That sucks for you because now you have a really expensive hair comb and no hair to comb it with and it sucks for me because I had to read about it.

Now, as an adult, I try to stay away from somber Christmas tales by watching Christmas movies instead! Here are some lessons I have learned thus far that I would like to share with you:

Nutcracker

Nutcracker (produced by Maurice Sendak): Girls, your creepy old uncle will punish your unreturned affections and understandable fear of him with a “beautiful nightmare.” Umm… Neither the dance of the sugar plum fairies nor the haunting strut of your gorgeous peacock-mom can make me forget how creepy Uncle Drosselmeyer is! Merry Christmas!

Nativity!

Nativity!: Poor, underappreciated students will pull off a Nativity musical with the help of a ton of high-production costumes and spontaneously-acquired musical talent. Plus, singing kids are *guaranteed* to reignite an old flame on Christmas and help any teacher forget that the girl he is kissing ran away from his Christmas proposal 5 years ago, breaking his heart and turning him into a shell of a man. Amnesia, overnight talent (musical steroids?), and probably stolen costumes and set-drops — bonafide Christmas Miracle!

It's A Wonderful Life

It’s A Wonderful Life: Oh, I remember why I don’t watch this movie! It starts with attempted suicide. WHAT THE JIMINY CHRISTMAS? Don’t jump off that bridge! The world’s most annoying ghost will hang out with you instead and probably save Christmas. Seriously, I’m not watching this. Merry Christmas!

Holiday in Handcuffs

Holiday in Handcuffs: It is totally OK to kidnap a man at gunpoint and force him to accompany you to your parents’ cabin in the woods to pose as your boyfriend. It is Chrsitmas and these things happen! We all get a little stressed, don’t we? He will fall in love with your whacky-adorable-kidnappy personality, ignore that you are clearly a nutbag with awful problem-solving skills, and fall in love with you as your stunt double wows him with her figure skating ability! It is a Christmas Miracle! Who am I kidding, I love this story! It is eerily similar to the way I met Patrick.

Single ladies, a Christmas tip from me: Always carry handcuffs in your bag! Kidnapping = True love. Ho! ho! ho!

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