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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Back before September 2012, when I was more rotund and breathing for two, I had a tendency to compare my pregnancy experience with that of a dog’s.

“I hope all goes well during delivery and we can have immediate skin-to-skin contact, you know, like the way dogs lick the goo off their pups after they are born. Or is that horses?”

“I feel like it is unnatural to only have one baby. Dogs know how to do it — tons of immediate siblings.”

Patrick would nod at these comments. He knows who he married and at this point he is more unflappable than ever. My mom was sweet about it. She kindly reminded me that I wasn’t a dog and empathized with the fact that I didn’t have personal experience to draw from. After my human baby was born, it continued:

“Why is breastfeeding so difficult for us? Puppies don’t have latch problems! Mom dogs don’t have supply issues, do they?”

“If we were dogs, the baby would be up and about by now. It’s been 2 months, for crying out loud, and she can’t even wobble-walk around! Human babies need to take a lesson or two from puppies.”

Patrick continued to nod. But at some point my mom pleaded, “Will you please stop comparing my granddaughter to a dog? She is a human!” Her voice was high-pitched and sort of desperate, so I stopped making these inane comparisons…aloud.

Well, joke is on you, mom! Your granddaughter is a puppy and I have proof!! (Sidetrack: If puppies that are loved as much as human babies are called “fur babies,” then what are babies who are loved as much as puppies called? Skin puppies? Gross.)

Proof That My Daughter Is a Puppy

Exhibit A: Chews On Slippers

Who needs toys?

“Meh eatz this.”

My little pup can be surrounded by toys, but will  traverse the wide expanse (4 feet) of the big blue mat to get to our slippers.

Exhibit B: She Eats Her Vomit

"Meh lurves dessert."

“Meh lurves dessert.”

Yes, that there is her vomit. And yes, I took a picture before removing her from the situation and cleaning up the mess…the rest of the mess…that she didn’t already lap up…because I took a picture first…then went on an app to make a collage of the vomit pics…to share with you…you are welcome.

Exhibit C: She Hates When Her Humans Dress Her In Costume

"This is so lame."

“Meh hat ewe.”

Read that face: disgust, embarrassment, menacing promise of retaliation, despair.

Exhibit D: Moves Around On All Fours

"Meh canz move."

“Huh? Meh notz a baby?”

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Did the title make you hungry? That is why you are reading this post. Welcome!

Today, I want to share a lesson with you: A step-by-step guide on how to make your ordinarily boney feet swell like… well, things that are known for being super swollen.

1. Get pregnant. This may take a while. (See archived posts)

2. Brag about how you haven’t had swollen appendages so far, then begin week 38.

Gorgeous veggies and herbs!

3. Decide to make an Asian-inspired sesame peanut noodle salad.

4. Drive to local Asian market for green onion and cilantro. Easy peasy! It is only 5 mins away! And for a bushel of both you only pay $1.50. Cash only.

5. Cook pasta. We had linguine, so I used that.

6. Cook edamame.

7. Chop raw veggies and herbs: garlic, cilantro, red peppers, green peppers, green onion. Omit carrots since they went bad.  Oops! Omit bean sprouts because you just aren’t into them.

8. Shell edamame to add to veggies (pictured to the left). Eat extra edamame and share with Patrick. If you don’t have a Patrick, all the better, more for you!

Chicken in some foil

9. Grill chicken flavored with sea salt, fresh ground pepper, curry powder, and coriander. Have Patrick help you with this stage because the grill pan is splattering and you can’t handle it. If you still haven’t got a Patrick, deal with oil splatter or use sparingly to avoid this problem altogether.

10. When linguine is finished, add a bit of sesame oil to noodles to prevent from sticking. Pop in fridge.

11. Put veggies in fridge. Keep them crispy!

12. Slice cooked chicken into thin slices and add to fridge too. I stored these in tin foil since I ran out of room in fridge. (See blurry picture to right.)

Saucy!

13. Kill this healthy collection of ingredients by making this fabulously fatty dressing: 1tbsp of sesame oil, 1 tbsp olive oil, 1 tbsp soy sauce, a 1tsp of chili oil, a squeeze of honey, juice from 1 lime, and 1/3 cup of peanut butter. Stir it up.

14. Combine pasta, veggies, chicken, and toss with dressing. Sprinkle sesame seeds on top!

15. Put finished product in fridge. Allow flavors to mix and mingle and chum up before eating.

Salad for days!

16. Suddenly become aware of the fact that you have been on your feet for 2+ hours (world’s slowest cook?) and they hurt REALLY, REALLY bad.

17. Look down at feet and notice they have ballooned! You now have fat balloon animal feet! But you have also made a great noodle dish. So kick your feet up and come to terms with the fact that you have 0-28 more days of fat feet to look forward to. But bonus, you also have 1-3 days of peanut sesame noodles to look forward to!

18. If you follow this guide, more or less, you too can have delicious peanut sesame noodles and swollen feet. Now it is your turn to give it a go!

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I previously admitted that I am majorly afraid of hoarding. I always say, when in doubt, donate and let someone else get all hoard-y with it. So dealing with the reality of all the stuff babies come with has been a bit tough for me.

Lulu guards my diaper stash

I have already set up a fully-equipped baby room with necessities and niceties: crib; changing table stocked with cloth diapers, wipes, and swaddling blankets; bookshelf already full of fantastic books; futon for feedings and mommy-naps; bouncy chair with mobile attachment; and a space-themed baby “gym” including a space-monkey toy hanging from it (how cool is that?). Stocked up!

However, there are items my friends SWEAR by, that I refuse to buy. I am stubborn and I accept that about myself. I hope you can too. I do realize that I may very well buy these items later, but I’d rather it be an organic, need-based purchase, not a registry frenzy/naive new parent sort of thing.

Essential Items I Stubbornly Refuse To Purchase Now (And Forever?)

Baby Monitor: I have crazy good ears. I have mentioned that here. I will hear that baby crying down the hall. My experience is that babies are not shy about crying, so I’m certain I’ll hear her when I’m downstairs too. I am also slightly neurotic — it is the American woman way. So hearing any movements on that monitor will drive me bananas and send me running to the baby’s room. Not doing it. Ever. Stubborn.

Breast pump: What if I can’t do it? That’s $250 wasted! Then what do I do with it afterward? We may be a one-and-done family. My hospital rents them, so I may look into that option if the need arises.

Bottles: I know, know. I’ve done lost my ever-lovin’ mind!  But here’s the thing: If my breast milk already comes with two easily-accessible, temp-controlled feeding devices, shouldn’t I just use those? I’m going to give it a go with the handy milk sacks I already have and wait and see. That is $ saved and time saved — from pumping, fetching, washing, heating, sorting between nipple types and flow options, etc. We’ll see how long this lasts.

An Infant Car Seat: The convertible car seat I bought accommodates a baby between 5-70 pounds. However, many folks buy an infant seat (5-25/30 pounds) first and then move baby to the convertible seat. Experienced parents insist that the infant seat, which doubles as a bulky bassinet-type carrier and fits onto different stroller systems, is better than sliced bread. I hear you, experienced parents. I even believe you!! But I would rather jostle my baby when getting in and out of the car, and wear her when I go out, just to avoid getting the infant car seat. Stubborn.

Two Car Seats: Can a couple survive with just one? The overwhelming majority say, “No way, you weird hippies!” This may be true (not the hippie part), but our friends all bought two seats or two bases before baby arrived. Sure, you are going to use something you already have. I would like to see if we can be a two-car but one car-seat family. So interested to see how this plays out!

A Second or Third Stroller: One kid, one stroller. We got a lightweight but sturdy and maneuverable collapsible stroller. And it is black!  No thank you, bulky, multi-colored, heavy travel system. No thank you, teeny umbrella stroller, I’ll pass on you too. Many flexible parents purchase additional strollers as their children grow and their needs change. Makes sense, but I just plan to be stubborn about this too.

In sum, I’m stubborn.  If you see a woman in line at Target with a screaming infant attached to her chest, purchasing 20 bottles, a baby monitor, and an infant car seat… that isn’t me. I’m stubborn.

Space monkeys can be stubborn too

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…Third is the one with the moles on her chest.

After the whole first trimester debacle…

Pregnancy Book: Morning sickness happens to weak-stomached women who have a history of letting the flu get the best of them. (I paraphrased, but I’m pretty sure this was the gist.)

Me pre-pregnancy: That won’t happen to me. Poor other women, though. My heart goes out to them.

Me first trimester: [vomit noises 24/7]

…I learned my lesson. As it so happens, I am susceptible to the awful side-effects of pregnancy. So as I began second trimester I read the warnings differently…

Pregnancy Book: You will be constipated all the time. Your boobs will most certainly leak colstrum when you are out in public. You are 100% guaranteed to have stretch marks so severe that it will look like a werewolf attempted to rip open your belly. You will definitely have cankles, swollen feet, and fat fingers…and everyone will call you sausage lady. You will absolutely have hemorrhoids, even though you still don’t understand what they are. (Again, not the exact words, but practically exact.)

Me at beginning of second trimester: Ack! What did I sign up for? All the warnings are here in this book and yet I did this to myself ON PURPOSE? I’m a sucker! A dupe!

Me with 8 weeks to go: [Waddling around sans all expected major side-effects] Success!!

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

I was so busy tracking bathroom frequency and obsessing that every drop of cleavage sweat was embarrassing nipple leakage, that I forgot to obsess over the possibility of coming down with the more mild symptoms of later pregnancy. Here are the not-as-scary symptoms I am happily saddled with instead, may I continue to stay in the pregnancy fairy’s good graces:

1) Moles. These blind little beasts are popping up all over. They are teeny, practically microscopic, but honestly, I was happily light on the moles pre-pregnancy. I haven’t yet done research to determine if they go away. I’m guessing no?

Yup!

2) Braxton Hicks contractions. Whew they can be intense! They stop when Patrick reminds me to breathe and I relax for a bit. Those practice contractions also make me giggle in anticipation of the real thing!! Then, I have to remind Patrick to breathe and have him sit down because he thinks I’m having a baby and losing my wits at the same time.

3) Anemia. Sounds serious, doesn’t it? But I’m taking an iron supplement and a lot of naps in between bouts of fantastic, sweaty, scrubby, nesty-nesting. Totally manageable, especially since I’m a big fan of napping!

4) Back pain. Okay. This hurt second trimester, but seem to be related to some major belly growth spurts I had earlier. With continued exercise and time to acclimate and readjust posture for the belly, this pain has now become rare and short-lived.

5) Hives. We haven’t figured out why they come and go, but my best guess is heat and/or food allergy, combined with even more skin sensitivity, thanks to pregnancy. Sounds bad, but they are so mild that I just ignore them. …after I point to them, frown, and Patrick babies me a bit. He is good at that!

I swore that I wouldn’t keep awful pregnancy symptoms a secret, and I feel equally obligated to share the not-so-awful symptoms too. TMI? Probably. But I believe people have the right to know what pregnant ladies really go through, before they get pregnant, “join the club,” and learn the hard truths.

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I started a baby registry early, because I wanted to SEE how much stuff we will need. I have met a couple of babies and have noted that babies come with a lot of baggage. Literally. But this was always a pretty vague concept. So I decided to lay this stuff out virtually to give myself enough time to wrap my mind around it. Here is what I’ve learned since I’ve started a baby registry:

1. Babies are divas. A baby-sized suitcase will not cut it on a trip of any length.

2. An umbrella stroller is not a stroller with an umbrella attached to the handle.

3. Amazon.com is cheaper than Target and Babies R Us. Also, baby expenses are not so much that I will consider shopping at WalMart.

4. All cribs look like baby jails. Because they are.

5. Baby books make me cry happy tears. Even just books about making baby food.

Lulu watches over the first of the baby gear

6. If you write “baby” and draw a smiley face on a mini food processor you can sell it for a lot of money.

7. Kids sit in car seats for a loooong time.

8. I will buy something solely because it is called “My Brest Friend.”

9. I am less excited about buying baby clothes for my own baby, knowing that they quickly outgrow clothes. We may become nudists until the kid stops growing.

10. For reals, babies require an incredible amount of stuff. Yes, especially that wooden rocking moose.

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Send her your fan mail! She likes it!

Part of the reason for our blog silence lately has been due to a few intrusive emails that we have received. They are completely unrelated to our blog and us. These emails were sparse at first, but are picking up speed. And we decided that we may just end our blog altogether. These emails are strange and well, fan mail (not for us)…

So, as a former college instructor, I thought that instead of shutting down my blog and twitter account as I had first thought to do, I’d make a learning experience out of this…or what Patrick calls fanning the fire… So here we go!!

How To Write A Proper Fan Letter

1. This is pretty crucial so I want to open with this. Send fan mail to the person you are a fan of. Not us.

2. Writing “I’m not crazy” once makes the reader question the statement. Writing it more than 4 times makes you sound, well, crazy.

3. This is related to point number one. Don’t email random bloggers with your fan mail. It weirds them out! Nope. Exactly the same as point one.

4. Keep it short. Especially if you are writing to a non-famous person who doesn’t have an assistant to read mail. We normals only get through about three sentences of email not meant for us.

5. Send fan mail to people worthy of being a fan of: your favorite florist, the creator of bacon, celebs in sunnies, scientists working on a cure for cancer. This blog is not going to experience a sudden shift of content. It is about me, my husband, and our random thoughts that occur to us during our everyday average lives. That’s it. Nothing glitzy. Nothing fan-mail appropriate. We are not worthy.

That’s it for now. But if we shut this little bit of silly down that’s why…

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I’m here too! And I hope you will pardon me my absence but I’ve been seeing someone else… Call it love, infatuation, mental illness… I call it time well spent!

Yes, after a long talk, Patrick and I think it is best that I just come out and announce it…

I HAVE A NEW LOVE! An obsession even! But I swear it’s the real thing this time! Patrick and Lulu have taken 2nd and 3rd seat to my new and greatest love yet. The first chair of my heart is now occupied by Bones. Bones has humble origins as a give-away at a casino. At first I thought, “Neat, a dog toy.” But upon further inspection (a Google search) I learned that Bones was designed to provide neck, lumbar, and leg support! Great for recuperating after our high-seas adventure!

Bones got your back.

Bones isn't a pain-in-the-neck. Lean on Bones!

But Bones is way more spectacular than body support!! Bones is my new best friend, my confidant, my everything!!

Even Lulu seeks comfort from Bones!

I love you Bones! And Patrick and Lulu, you are pretty alright as well.

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