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Posts Tagged ‘holidays’

Now that the holidays have come to an end, and we’ve all settled into another New Year, I would like to share some lessons I’ve learned from the holidays. Remember these words of wisdom next year (if there is one), and you’ll be sure to thank me later:

Do get a real Christmas tree, needles be damned.
Don’t
forget to measure the height of your living room.

Do fill your spouse’s Christmas stocking.
Don’t fill it with so much chocolate you both gain ten pounds just from looking at it.

If you are going to have a don't-dress-the-dog rule, what do you think we're going to do when you leave the room?

Do dress the in-laws’ dog in a warm knit hat, silly antlers, or other festive attire.
Don’t tell your in-laws that you’ve done this.

Do enjoy a glass of wine.
Don’t lose track of the number of times your spouse says, “Go ahead, have another.”

Do enjoy a relaxing afternoon playing Skyrim.
Don’t tell your spouse you want to name your future child Dovahkiin.

Do order takeout for your New Year’s Eve meal.
Don’t be surprised when it takes an hour and a half to arrive.

Do enjoy a rockin’ New Year’s Eve.
Don’t watch a Rockin’ New Year’s Eve (unless you are a teenage girl).

Do text your teenage nephew to wish him a Happy New Year.
Don’t be surprised when he replies, “Who is this?”

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We all have our favorite smells and sounds of Christmas: pine and sleigh bells, gingerbread and caroling, Starbuck’s peppermint mocha and low grumbles in the post office queue, Uncle Palmer’s farts and, well, Uncle Palmer’s farts (sounds like a duck and smells like moldy mothball and rotten egg stew).

Humbug Alert!! Jolly toots aside, I want to rant about the smells and sounds of commercials during Christmas.

Every kiss begins with Kay.” Oh really? It is spelled kayiss? Maybe that is what one would call this lip lock disaster:

Luckily my husband knows what follows a gift of a diamond tennis bracelet, three-stone ring, or journey necklace, and it ain’t a kayiss. It is a punch in the face. What is worse than generic diamonds on Christmas?

White Diamonds hair (more than 20 years ago)

I know what could be worse! Smelling like perfumes from old commercial reels. (They don’t have commercial reels anymore do they?) What is it about Christmas that warrants the return of old Britney Spears’ Fantasy perfume commercials? And don’t even get me started on Elizabeth Taylor ‘s White Diamonds commercial. I remember watching that  20 years ago thinking, “Her hair looks like mine!” Christmas is beginning to smell like a puffy afro a la Blanche Devereaux.

What really toots my horn is this commercial:

Granted I already own my dream car (it is a station wagon), so this particular flavor of joy doesn’t appeal to me. But who are these jerk-faces who recognize the Lexus Christmas commercial music from a music box? I imagine the whole family hums the Lexus tune together around a roaring fire (heated with Louis Vuitton logs) every Thursday night starting at Thanksgiving. Man, they are pretentious jerk-faces!

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