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Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Now that the holidays have come to an end, and we’ve all settled into another New Year, I would like to share some lessons I’ve learned from the holidays. Remember these words of wisdom next year (if there is one), and you’ll be sure to thank me later:

Do get a real Christmas tree, needles be damned.
Don’t
forget to measure the height of your living room.

Do fill your spouse’s Christmas stocking.
Don’t fill it with so much chocolate you both gain ten pounds just from looking at it.

If you are going to have a don't-dress-the-dog rule, what do you think we're going to do when you leave the room?

Do dress the in-laws’ dog in a warm knit hat, silly antlers, or other festive attire.
Don’t tell your in-laws that you’ve done this.

Do enjoy a glass of wine.
Don’t lose track of the number of times your spouse says, “Go ahead, have another.”

Do enjoy a relaxing afternoon playing Skyrim.
Don’t tell your spouse you want to name your future child Dovahkiin.

Do order takeout for your New Year’s Eve meal.
Don’t be surprised when it takes an hour and a half to arrive.

Do enjoy a rockin’ New Year’s Eve.
Don’t watch a Rockin’ New Year’s Eve (unless you are a teenage girl).

Do text your teenage nephew to wish him a Happy New Year.
Don’t be surprised when he replies, “Who is this?”

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#1- Sipping mimosas on Christmas morning in PJs. Oh, you don’t embrace this tradition? You should.

#2- Santa’s elves are shorter than Patrick and his reindeer are hairier than Gilly. Wait, what?

#3- Adding “butt” to our favorite Christmas songs. “Santa’s Butt is Coming to Town” “Rudolph the Red-Butt Reindeer”

#4- It is the ONE and ONLY day of the year we welcome and enjoy snow.

#5- The Christmas dance the Peanuts gang do in A Charlie Brown Christmas.

#6- Rankin/Bass holiday specials. Yes, even Bumbles.

#7- PRESENTS!! Giving, as well as receiving, of course!

#8- Eating gingerbread men… appendages first.

#9-  Mistletoe… hung in every room! Kiss-mastime!

#10- Be it candy or coal, Santa-stuffed stockings make great holiday weapons! (Hands off my presents!)

We hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!

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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our house
Not a computer was humming, not even the click of a mouse.
Our stockings were hung on the wall with some care,
In hopes that some candy would somehow appear there.

Lulu was nestled all snug in our bed,
While visions of world domination danced in her head.
And Gilly in her ‘kerchief, and I in my jays,
Had just settled our brains for the coming holidays.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I ran like The Flash,
Tore open the curtains and knocked over the trash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of Edward Cullen to the objects from below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight weary reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
He might even have been supersonic.
More rapid than a Ferrari this Santa he came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called me by name!

“Hey Patrick! Hey Gilly! Hey Lulu, you Vixen!
I’ve got a package! A present! Something you’re wishin’!
Now open the door! Answer my call!
Before I dash away! Dash away! Dash away to the mall!”

And then, in a twinkling, I heard from below
The tinkling and crashing of a glass window.
As I ran down the stairs to see what was the matter,
Through the broken window he fell in a drunken clatter.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
A filthy old fat man tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes – how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his breath smelled of sherry!
His drooling little mouth was open in an “O,”
And the beard of his chin was covered in snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his stained teeth,
And the smoke it smelled like a six-month old wreath.
He had a broad face and a big round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a tubful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a pre-diabetic old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Gave me the wiggins and a chill of pure dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And took all our stockings, what a filthy old jerk!
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He hocked a loogie! How gross!

He dashed to his sleigh, our goodies in tow,
I tried to catch him but alas I was too slow.
But I heard him exclaim, as he fled into the night,
“Happy Christmas to me!” and vanished out of my sight.

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Gilly and I are pretty obsessed with Christmas specials right now. We’ll watch classics old (Charlie Brown, The Grinch, Rudolph – read Rambling and Rumblings examination of this classic and you’ll never watch this holiday treasure in the same way again) and new (Disney’s Prep and Landing, Kung Fu Panda Holiday Special, Holidays in Handcuffs). We love the Hollywood classics (It’s a Wonderful Life, White Christmas) and the Brit classics (Love, Actually, the Dr. Who Christmas specials).

But really, nothing fills my heart with joy as much as Elf. It’s stupid. It’s ridiculous. It’s the perfect Christmas movie.

What I appreciate most is the absolute sincerity and conviction with which Will Ferrell delivers every single one of his lines. He makes you believe that he could be a grown man-child raised by elves at the North Pole. And during this holiday season, it reminds me once again that perhaps the world would be a better place if everyone shared such wide-eyed innocence and enthusiasm.

The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.

This is a motto I take to heart. I’ve been singing loudly for weeks now. About everything. And now Gilly is so full of Christmas cheer she’s pooping candy canes.

“I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.”

Who can hate a happy elf? Unless…

“He’s an angry elf.”

Which reminds us that we could all stand to be a little more jolly.

The Four Food groups: Candy, Candy Canes, Candy Corn, and Syrup.

Guaranteed to make you sick, but doesn’t everything seem a little better when it comes with candy?

“You sit on a throne of lies.”

Take that, crass commercialism!

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

My favorite seasonal song. Wouldn’t we all feel a little bit closer to our loved ones if we sang a duet with them?

“Francisco! That’s fun to say.”

It really is. Try it. So is Gilly’s favorite phrase, “Jolly Toots.” You should try that too!

“First we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.”

And really, doesn’t that sound like the perfect day to you?

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We all have our favorite smells and sounds of Christmas: pine and sleigh bells, gingerbread and caroling, Starbuck’s peppermint mocha and low grumbles in the post office queue, Uncle Palmer’s farts and, well, Uncle Palmer’s farts (sounds like a duck and smells like moldy mothball and rotten egg stew).

Humbug Alert!! Jolly toots aside, I want to rant about the smells and sounds of commercials during Christmas.

Every kiss begins with Kay.” Oh really? It is spelled kayiss? Maybe that is what one would call this lip lock disaster:

Luckily my husband knows what follows a gift of a diamond tennis bracelet, three-stone ring, or journey necklace, and it ain’t a kayiss. It is a punch in the face. What is worse than generic diamonds on Christmas?

White Diamonds hair (more than 20 years ago)

I know what could be worse! Smelling like perfumes from old commercial reels. (They don’t have commercial reels anymore do they?) What is it about Christmas that warrants the return of old Britney Spears’ Fantasy perfume commercials? And don’t even get me started on Elizabeth Taylor ‘s White Diamonds commercial. I remember watching that  20 years ago thinking, “Her hair looks like mine!” Christmas is beginning to smell like a puffy afro a la Blanche Devereaux.

What really toots my horn is this commercial:

Granted I already own my dream car (it is a station wagon), so this particular flavor of joy doesn’t appeal to me. But who are these jerk-faces who recognize the Lexus Christmas commercial music from a music box? I imagine the whole family hums the Lexus tune together around a roaring fire (heated with Louis Vuitton logs) every Thursday night starting at Thanksgiving. Man, they are pretentious jerk-faces!

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Christmas is a time for lessons. The Gift of the Magi is a tale that taught me a few things: (1) This is not a tale for kids. It is depressing. (2) Couples should plan for big purchases and not wait until the last minute. Because here’s what: You sold your prized possession because you didn’t plan ahead for the cost of Christmas and now you are broke and stuck with a useless gift. That sucks for you because now you have a really expensive hair comb and no hair to comb it with and it sucks for me because I had to read about it.

Now, as an adult, I try to stay away from somber Christmas tales by watching Christmas movies instead! Here are some lessons I have learned thus far that I would like to share with you:

Nutcracker

Nutcracker (produced by Maurice Sendak): Girls, your creepy old uncle will punish your unreturned affections and understandable fear of him with a “beautiful nightmare.” Umm… Neither the dance of the sugar plum fairies nor the haunting strut of your gorgeous peacock-mom can make me forget how creepy Uncle Drosselmeyer is! Merry Christmas!

Nativity!

Nativity!: Poor, underappreciated students will pull off a Nativity musical with the help of a ton of high-production costumes and spontaneously-acquired musical talent. Plus, singing kids are *guaranteed* to reignite an old flame on Christmas and help any teacher forget that the girl he is kissing ran away from his Christmas proposal 5 years ago, breaking his heart and turning him into a shell of a man. Amnesia, overnight talent (musical steroids?), and probably stolen costumes and set-drops — bonafide Christmas Miracle!

It's A Wonderful Life

It’s A Wonderful Life: Oh, I remember why I don’t watch this movie! It starts with attempted suicide. WHAT THE JIMINY CHRISTMAS? Don’t jump off that bridge! The world’s most annoying ghost will hang out with you instead and probably save Christmas. Seriously, I’m not watching this. Merry Christmas!

Holiday in Handcuffs

Holiday in Handcuffs: It is totally OK to kidnap a man at gunpoint and force him to accompany you to your parents’ cabin in the woods to pose as your boyfriend. It is Chrsitmas and these things happen! We all get a little stressed, don’t we? He will fall in love with your whacky-adorable-kidnappy personality, ignore that you are clearly a nutbag with awful problem-solving skills, and fall in love with you as your stunt double wows him with her figure skating ability! It is a Christmas Miracle! Who am I kidding, I love this story! It is eerily similar to the way I met Patrick.

Single ladies, a Christmas tip from me: Always carry handcuffs in your bag! Kidnapping = True love. Ho! ho! ho!

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I don’t believe in things. It is a character flaw that I’ve had since I was young. I never believed in:

Santa Claus — My little sister believed until 2nd grade!

Tooth Fairy — I knew who to see if the payment system was not up to par.

Jesus — Turns out I was very wrong about this. He was definitely a real person.

Aliens Visiting Earth — Y UFO no go 2 NYC?

A Good Every Day Conditioner — I have recently given up on my search. I’m not bitter… (I am!)

But I do believe in Christmas!! I love the white lights, picking the perfect tree, the warm fire, wishing strangers a happy holiday, Christmas pajamas, Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack, and wrapped packages under a fir tree. Seriously, who thought, “I know! Let’s wrap presents and put them under a pine tree?” My hero is who!

We went all the way to New Hampshire to pick our balsam fir. It is the perfect one! I love it! And, also, I love Christmas!

Christmastime is here!

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