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Archive for January, 2012

I’m here too! And I hope you will pardon me my absence but I’ve been seeing someone else… Call it love, infatuation, mental illness… I call it time well spent!

Yes, after a long talk, Patrick and I think it is best that I just come out and announce it…

I HAVE A NEW LOVE! An obsession even! But I swear it’s the real thing this time! Patrick and Lulu have taken 2nd and 3rd seat to my new and greatest love yet. The first chair of my heart is now occupied by Bones. Bones has humble origins as a give-away at a casino. At first I thought, “Neat, a dog toy.” But upon further inspection (a Google search) I learned that Bones was designed to provide neck, lumbar, and leg support! Great for recuperating after our high-seas adventure!

Bones got your back.

Bones isn't a pain-in-the-neck. Lean on Bones!

But Bones is way more spectacular than body support!! Bones is my new best friend, my confidant, my everything!!

Even Lulu seeks comfort from Bones!

I love you Bones! And Patrick and Lulu, you are pretty alright as well.

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Many loyal readers and devoted fan (“Hi Mom!”) have been wondering: What happened to “It Happens Every Day”?

Many of you, no doubt, are concerned that the Steelers’ ignominious exit from the NFL playoffs must have sent Patrick into a deep, dark winter funk. Others, fearing we had contracted Seasonal Affect Disorder, have assumed that we were simply too S.A.D. to post. Some scoundrels have even suggested that, in the throes of an unseasonably, unreasonably mild winter, we had decided to chuck it all and head north for the winter.

None of these could be further from the truth. Here’s what we’ve been up to:

We booked a “Titanic reenactment” winter cruise! Unfortunately, our trip on the Costa Concordia was not all it was cracked up to be. (Captain’s motto: “First one to the lifeboat is a rotten egg!”)

Italy's notorious "Coast Guard" winter cruise line

Compensatory damage money in hand, we headed off on to Africa for a “Pirates of the Indian Ocean” winter cruise! Unfortunately, Captain Jack Sparrow was nowhere to be found, and Somali pirate hospitality was not all it was cracked up to be. (On the plus side, we got autographs from Navy Seal Team 6!)

Our overseas adventures having become a little too adventurous for our tastes, we returned home and headed to sunny Florida for an authentic “Republican Primary Campaign Trail Fantasy Camp.” We had a blast there, capping off our week by joining Mitt and Newt in a rousing game of “Anti-immigration reform candidates pander to the Hispanic vote.” (We’re pulling for Newt, our thrice-married family values candidate, as he promised us a trip to the moon if he were elected. Mitt, on the other hand, promised only that he would downsize us at a large personal gain – for himself.)

We’re now safely back home in the upper middle northern eastern part of the United States, where that winter air is still downright very-nearly-almost-but-not-quite chilly (bring a jacket!) and where we only have to suffer through one more week of insufferable Patriots gloating.

Welcome back, I say.

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All right! Let’s get this started!

Yes. Yessss. Yeah! Yes.

No. No! NOOOOOO!

C’mon, man! Come. On!

Ugh. You’ve got to be kidding me.

Come on. Seriously?

Okay. Okay, here we go.

Now that’s more like it!

YES!

COME ON!

Come onnnnn!

FUMMMMMMMMMMBLE!!!!

All right. Yes! YES! YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

All right! Here we go, Steelers, here we go.

No! No! No! No no no no no no no no no no NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

*bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!*

F@*$-ing Tebow.

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Now that the holidays have come to an end, and we’ve all settled into another New Year, I would like to share some lessons I’ve learned from the holidays. Remember these words of wisdom next year (if there is one), and you’ll be sure to thank me later:

Do get a real Christmas tree, needles be damned.
Don’t
forget to measure the height of your living room.

Do fill your spouse’s Christmas stocking.
Don’t fill it with so much chocolate you both gain ten pounds just from looking at it.

If you are going to have a don't-dress-the-dog rule, what do you think we're going to do when you leave the room?

Do dress the in-laws’ dog in a warm knit hat, silly antlers, or other festive attire.
Don’t tell your in-laws that you’ve done this.

Do enjoy a glass of wine.
Don’t lose track of the number of times your spouse says, “Go ahead, have another.”

Do enjoy a relaxing afternoon playing Skyrim.
Don’t tell your spouse you want to name your future child Dovahkiin.

Do order takeout for your New Year’s Eve meal.
Don’t be surprised when it takes an hour and a half to arrive.

Do enjoy a rockin’ New Year’s Eve.
Don’t watch a Rockin’ New Year’s Eve (unless you are a teenage girl).

Do text your teenage nephew to wish him a Happy New Year.
Don’t be surprised when he replies, “Who is this?”

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I have been very, very, very patient. But I am now officially, without a doubt, OVER celebs in huge sunglasses. Lindsay Lohan, don’t tell me you are trying to protect your eyes from sun damage, because your liver has another story to tell about your concern for your body. Nicole Richie, don’t even try telling me that they help you travel incognito. It’s like a superhero in an eye-mask — you aren’t fooling anyone! We can still see your face!

Is it a worst-hangover-ever thing? Is it New Years Day every day in LA? Is it a fashion thing? I thought it was, so I waited for the fad to die, but it won’t…

My dream is to walk around LA gently knocking sunglasses off celebs faces. To be clear, I’m not trying to hurt anyone here. I’m just trying to end this increasingly annoying and persistent fad.

Below, I share the lovely and satisfying sounds these sunnies will make as they hit the ground:

Bam! Doubles as the sound for this hot look and the sound of me knocking these oversized frames on the ground.

Flick! Please note it is not so sunny those people behind her need sunglasses.

Slam! That is the sound of your sunglasses falling off your face...and yet another prison door closing behind you.

Kerplunk! Knocked your sunglasses off your face while you were texting. That's so hot!

Shloop! Let's gently slide these off, she's already been through enough...

All photos from http://www.millionlooks.com/

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According to the Chinese calendar at the local pan-Asian restaurant, 2012 is The Year of The Dragon. Patrick and I took this as an omen that 2012 is going to bring some fire-breathing, scaly-winged, wonderful-ness!

According to a commercial I recently saw, January 1st is also the time to champagne toast another beast–the Sasquatch, or Squatch, as we believers say (I’m not really a believer).

“I do think there’s a Squatch in these woods!” <tink!>I’ll toast to that!

Whether you are just happy 2011 is over, celebrating the start of Squatch hunting on Animal Planet, or as excited about the year of the dragon as we are, we wish everyone a fantastic New Year!

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