Back before September 2012, when I was more rotund and breathing for two, I had a tendency to compare my pregnancy experience with that of a dog’s.
“I hope all goes well during delivery and we can have immediate skin-to-skin contact, you know, like the way dogs lick the goo off their pups after they are born. Or is that horses?”
“I feel like it is unnatural to only have one baby. Dogs know how to do it — tons of immediate siblings.”
Patrick would nod at these comments. He knows who he married and at this point he is more unflappable than ever. My mom was sweet about it. She kindly reminded me that I wasn’t a dog and empathized with the fact that I didn’t have personal experience to draw from. After my human baby was born, it continued:
“Why is breastfeeding so difficult for us? Puppies don’t have latch problems! Mom dogs don’t have supply issues, do they?”
“If we were dogs, the baby would be up and about by now. It’s been 2 months, for crying out loud, and she can’t even wobble-walk around! Human babies need to take a lesson or two from puppies.”
Patrick continued to nod. But at some point my mom pleaded, “Will you please stop comparing my granddaughter to a dog? She is a human!” Her voice was high-pitched and sort of desperate, so I stopped making these inane comparisons…aloud.
Well, joke is on you, mom! Your granddaughter is a puppy and I have proof!! (Sidetrack: If puppies that are loved as much as human babies are called “fur babies,” then what are babies who are loved as much as puppies called? Skin puppies? Gross.)
Proof That My Daughter Is a Puppy
Exhibit A: Chews On Slippers
My little pup can be surrounded by toys, but will traverse the wide expanse (4 feet) of the big blue mat to get to our slippers.
Exhibit B: She Eats Her Vomit
Yes, that there is her vomit. And yes, I took a picture before removing her from the situation and cleaning up the mess…the rest of the mess…that she didn’t already lap up…because I took a picture first…then went on an app to make a collage of the vomit pics…to share with you…you are welcome.
Exhibit C: She Hates When Her Humans Dress Her In Costume
Read that face: disgust, embarrassment, menacing promise of retaliation, despair.
Exhibit D: Moves Around On All Fours